Monday, August 24, 2009

Denny's Pancake Puppies

Denny's Pancake Puppies

Cost: 1.99



Denny's Pancake Puppies are actually going for $1.99, but considering that Beth and I shared a glass-full of six, the price really evened out. There's a lot to love about these puppies. They're cheap, tasty, and covered in cinnamon sugar. I'm not sure exactly what a Hush-puppy is, but I'm told this is the pancake-batter equivalent, dipped in a deep-fryer, and then served up in a tall glass meant for milkshakes alongside a saucer filled with syrup.

Many questions come to ones mind while eating, what I would sadly consider, a complete meal such as this. Why is it so cheap? Why does it taste so good? Should I be eating this? And why did Denny's consider a tall narrow glass to be the best technique for serving steaming hot balls of deep-fried goodness? Luckily, these questions can all be ignored. It's better to just accept Denny's Pancake Puppies for what they are: cheap, tasty, and the best investment I've made in my future.

Final Consensus:

I would gladly spend more money for these. Granted, probably not a whole lot more, but I a certain undisclosed minuscule amount nonetheless. The only downside might be the heart-burn and/or heart attack afterward.

Highlights of the meal include sticking your hand deep into the narrow, grease coated glass for that last steaming puppy. It's the little things that matter most.

Monday, July 21, 2008

The Subject of Steve

The Subject of Steve

Cost: 99 cents Cost: $11.86

Quality: *----

The second I found out our dollar store even had a novel section my mind exploded with possibilities. What if there's a masterpiece hidden under this rubble of outdated sports almanacs and Backstreet Boys biographies? Is it possible that the great American novel has been long lost in this 99 cent treasure trove?

I assumed so.

So when I noticed that the Subject of Steve came highly recommended by novelist Chuck Palahniuk, the author of Fight Club and Survivor (one of my personal favorites), I thought I'd give Steve a chance and pick up this forlorn title from underneath a pile of Batman Begins novelty books.

I'm going to be completely honest with you. I couldn't even make it past the first chapter. After that I flipped through it and read passages here and there. It was a painfully dull experience. Although Steve sits unassumingly on my book shelf, I still can't read it. It's not necessarily "bad," just so self-assuming, self-indulgent, and blandly uninteresting, that I simply cannot pay attention.

It's meant to be a satirical piece of literature making a stab at the dullness of the human condition. Steve is a man who has been diagnosed with a new and unusually vague disease, one that will kill him, eventually. What's supposed to follow is a "hilarious" and "introspective" journey. It doesn't. From what I can tell, that's the entire plot, and there's no development beyond that.

It's almost as if the author is reading the book over your shoulder, periodically poking you to say "Hey! Get it? It's SATIRE! You know!? Isn't this clever and off-beat? It's smart too! Do you want me to lecture you about philosophy?"
"Sure," you say, "since the characters are so one dimensional, I'm willing to at least hear your point. Any point. Really."
"Well that's too bad, because I don't have one," he would say. "Instead I'll ask you questions with no answers and provide you with quotes that are deep only on an extremely shallow level."
"Oh. Okay." You'll say, as you silently weep for those poor souls who spent eleven dollars for a book you could gladly buy ten more of for that same amount, just so that you could burn them all in a satisfying pile.

Final Words:

Maybe I'm being too hard on the book. It is paper, has good quality binding, and well written quotes on the back by other authors. Unfortunately, I'm out one dollar I could have spent on a sack of moldy mangoes. So maybe I'm just bitter. Yeah, that's it.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Clamato Energia - 99 Cent Review

Clamato Energia

Cost: 2 for 99 Cents
Quality: *----
Design: ****-
Taste: -----


A large can of energy drink for 50 cents?! Awesome! Who cares if all the writing is in Spanish, it probably tastes just like a Red Bull... or Toro Rojo. I bought a test can and let it chill for a few hours. After going to the gym in the afternoon I came home rather thirsty. I opened the fridge and, YES! I have an ice cold energy drink! I opened the can and took a huge gulp. Perhaps it was the shock of expecting one flavor and experiencing another, or perhaps it was the rancid tomato taste, whatever it was, it instantly triggered my gag reflex. The as it ran down my throat, the acidic carbonation burned like tequila. Who would buy this more than once?! I just had to give some to Zack.


When Anthony handed me his already opened can of Clamato Energia, I didn't think twice about taking a sip.
This is probably why some people argue that I'm retarded.
I literally could not physically make myself swallow a sip of Clamato Energia, let alone drink it. In fact, I ran to the sink and spit out whatever I had in my mouth.

Let this be a lesson for all of us. First, take a good look at the can and make sure exactly what kind of fruit is illustrated on the label. If it has strawberries, mangoes or oranges, you're dealing with fruits that were intended by God to be in sugary drinks. If you see a big red tomato, you're dealing with something that should only ever be on pizza's or pasta. It's just not a good idea. Secondly, make sure the can is in English. Those Spaniards might be hard workers, but when it comes to drinks like this, their thought process is as mystifying as the Japanese. Well, almost as mystifying.

Final Consensus:

Clamato Energia makes for a great prank or dare, but beyond that the only purpose it serves is as poison, and frankly I say you stick with pouring bleach in the coffee. There are some things that are so bad they're good, but Clamato Energia takes bad to a whole new level.